Stalker.

This week has been crazy. A guy chatted me up at the club last Friday night, and he was cute, so I obviously gave him my number. I am still seeing Adrian, but I’m keeping my options open.

And he called me that night. By the time I got out of work, I already had three missed calls from Sebastian. I was pretty tired, so I walked home with Maggie and went straight to bed. By the time I woke up, he had called again. So I called him back. He wanted to have dinner together. I said I’d meet him by Orange.

After breakfast, some of Maggie’s friends came over, and we all got wasted. When I next looked at the time, it was quarter past 6. I was 15 min late for Sebastian, but I was way too baked and moving seemed too much of an effort, so I didn’t do anything about it. Sebastian called at 7pm and said he’d waited for me for an hour.  I said sorry. We decided we would meet up again on Sunday for lunch.

I didn’t make it. I stayed over at Adrian’s at completely forgot. Sebastian called again and I didn’t pick up.

Then, on Tuesday, I wasn’t feeling very good, so I decided to stay home from work alone, because everyone else was out. Maggie sent me a text saying Sebastian was at the club asking for me and that he was really drunk. About an hour later, there was a knock at the front door. I went to open it, and there he was. Drunk was an understatement. Before I had a chance to do anything, he grabbed me by the throat and threw my into the hallway.

“You are such a BITCH!”

I got real scared. I didn’t know what to do. I tried to tell him I was sorry. He said he’d spoken to Jemma and she had told him I had lied to him, that I was seeing all these other guys, and that she’d said I was a liar and up myself. I kept saying “I’m sorry, I’m sorry”. We were in the lounge. He stood on the floor and I was on the sofa. He talked a lot. “I really, really like you, and that girl on the door said that I shouldn’t go near you, she said you’re ridden with diseases and that you’re a slut, but I didn’t believe her.”

I just wanted him to go away. He came and sat next to me and held my shoulder. “You are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. Even on TV. But you are a horrible bitch.” He really squeezed my shoulder, and it was hurting. I cried. He said he was sorry for hurting me but I had hurt him so much.

“I have to pee”. He sat there, and I went into the hallway towards the toilet. Then I bolted for the front door, left it open and ran for it. I ran to the club, I didn’t know where else to go. Malcolm, the bouncer at the club, let me in, there I was in my scruffy trekkies and no make-up and everyone was staring. Malcolm took me to Jake’s room behind the downstairs bar and said to wait for him. I did. I was shaking a lot and felt cold and didn’t know what to do.

Malcolm came back with Maggie. I told them what had happened. Malcolm asked if he was still at our house. I said I didn’t know. Maggie just stood there. Malcolm said that he was gonna talk to Jake and he’d be back. Maggie just looked at me. “Jemma told him you were home alone. I heard her. She said she thought he should go talk to you because you were home alone. I’m sorry. I didn’t realise he was … “

It was so weird, completely surreal to sit in Jake’s tiny office, with security cameras all around and watching all these people having fun, drinking and dancing, and feeling so stupid. Jake came and said Malcolm had gone to our house to see if Sebastian was still there. He said Sebastian would be banned from the club for life. It’s strange what people think are comforting things to say to someone. He said as soon as Malcolm got back, Maggie should take me home.

I didn’t really want to go to work on Wednesday night. Not because I was scared to see Sebastian, because I knew he wouldn’t get in. But because I didn’t want to see Jemma or Leona, the door girl. Because I didn’t want to have to talk to them, pretend things were ok between us. Jemma didn’t say anything. Maggie had shouted at her that night, and told her she was a stupid jealous piece of shit, that she was stirring shit and that nobody liked her. And I really didnt want to have to talk to her after that.

I don’t know what to do. I have to go to work, because I need the money. I dont want to have to tell my parents that I need help. I just feel like shit after what happened. I don’t think I am a selfish bitch, I didn’t even know him, and he never asked me if I was spending time with someone else. Adrian has been pretty good about it all. He was really angry at first, and wanted to go punch Sebastian and key Jemma’s car.

Jemma just said she thought he had a right to know, but Dave, a security guard at work, said he saw her pouring Sebastian heaps of shots, so she obviously knew he’d be that wasted when she told him to go see me. I think I am going to go home and sleep for a while, I don’t really want to think anymore today.

Today’s Secret: I am worried that I am not a good person.

Crowded House

I spent yesterday afternoon walking around with my CV. I got a phone-call already this morning. Going there later today. It’s at a shop that sells kinda tacky stuff. I hope I get it.

When I got home, there were people everywhere. Jemma was there too. She got really loud when I walked in. Maggie said that Adrian had called her twice asking about me, and that he wanted my number, but that she didn’t know if I wanted her to give it to him. He called again just then, and said he would come over. I was hungry and we didn’t have any food at home, so we decided it was time to go get some. Me and Adrian walked to the shop together. I didn’t really know what to say, but he just asked me stuff, like where I lived before. Then he asked if I wanted to have lunch together and get groceries after.

He paid for lunch and for my groceries. When we got home, it was just Jemma and Maggie and Stephanie left. So we sat in the lounge, and Adrian kept touching me, which made me feel a bit like a pet, but cos he’d paid for everything, I didn’t want to be rude. Then it was time to go to work and Adrian said he would walk me, but I said no, because Jemma and Maggie were working too.

Then, as we were walking, Jemma asked me if me and Adrian are dating now, and I said I don’t think so. Maggie told me later, when Jemma was setting up the back-bar, that Jemma has fancied Adrian for ages, and that they hooked up once last year. I really don’t think Jemma likes me. But, no-one likes Jemma so I don’t think I care.

Adrian came to the club as soon as we opened. And he hung around by my bar the whole night. Every time I talked to someone he was looking at me, it was a bit weird. After work, when I got outside, he was waiting with a friend. “I thought I’d walk you home” which I guess is nice, but I was really tired and just wanted to sleep. Maggie said she was going to her boyfriends and gave me her key, so Adrian came home with me. And he slept over, but we just cuddled tonight. It was nice, until he started saying how much he likes me, which I think is a strange thing to say when he doesn’t know me at all.

So, I asked him about Jemma and he said she’d attacked him once when he was really drunk and that he thought she was ugly, and talked about her bad skin. Sometimes, mostly when she is not around, I feel a bit sorry for her, but then she is so nasty and then I don’t anymore.

Time to go get ready for my interview. I’m scared the security guard is gonna ask me for my card, and kick me out.

Today’s Secret: Sometimes, I wish I didn’t have so many secrets.

The Strangest Little Things

So. Now I don’t have the internet at home anymore, I’m in a room full of students who are all probably doing much more important stuff than me. They all look like they are revved up on coffee and a little smelly. I dont know if smelliness is a way of looking, but these people do.

I like my new house. Although, it’s hardly my house. There’s another girl upstairs that I haven’t met yet, and there was a guy passed out on the sofa in the lounge who apparently is also a resident. After I got there, it was pretty much time to head off to work, so we walked up the road, which is much nicer than the long train-ride from Emelie’s.

I had one of the best nights ever! Work was so much fun, there was this really cute guy who kept looking at me, and he tried to buy me a drink, which isn’t technically allowed, and normally I just keep the money, but I actually had a tequila shot with him just to show him that I liked him back.

Then, Jemma came and told me to go work the other side of the bar. I don’t understand what her problem is with me, but I always feel like she is out to get me. I have a suspicion she would have liked to make friends with Maggie and maybe she feels that I stole her place. Maggie told me that sometimes Jemma comes over to her (now, mine too) house and cleans it and just sits there waiting for Maggie to come home. I think that is sad.

Anyway. I kept catching him looking at me, and as soon as I had my break and came out from behind the bar, he shot up to me and asked if I wanted to dance. And i said yes.  He asked what time I finished and what I was doing after. I said I didn’t know and that I’d just moved. Turns out, he lives 7 houses down the street, so we decided we were all gonna party after closing.

Maggie and me went straight over there, and there were a lot of people there. It feels like I’m getting really into it now, getting to know people and stuff. His name is Adrian, and he is good friends with Maggie. They were all smoking, and I decided to try it too. I think I might have fallen asleep, because then it was quiet and Adrian said he would walk me home. Maggie had already left, so it was just us. In his house, they are all boys, so it looks really different from ours.  We stood in the hallway and I was trying to get my jacket on. Funny how difficult little things like coordination get when you’re tired. And then he kissed me. And I didn’t really know what to do, because he is a lot older than me and I felt a bit funny about it all, but most of all, I think, I just felt weird about going to Maggie’s that late because I didn’t have a key yet. So when he asked me, I said yes I’ll stay here.

And then we went to his room. He has a very nice room. It’s so tidy and neat. And then he rolled another one, and we smoked it and then he took my clothes off.

I woke up not knowing where I was, and then I remembered. Adrian wasn’t there, and there were some guys I didn’t know, so I just left and went home. Maggie was still sleeping, so I came here. I really need to get a key.

And, I worked out, after rent and that, I will have 20 pounds to live on for a week. I don’t know how to fix it, and I feel a bit worried about it, but I really don’t want to ask my parents for help. I am looking for other jobs again. I’m very hungry, might go past the kebab shop and see if I can get a free lunch.

Today’s Secret: I lied about my age to get my job.

Home on My Back

I move tomorrow. Into a bubblegum pink bedroom on the ground floor of a shared student house, not even 5 minutes walk from work. When I asked Maggie, she said she has a free room in her house, and there’s five other people in it, but most of them are hardly ever home. I’m not quite sure who they are. But I am very excited. Emelie’s helping me move, and I feel a little bad, because I dont think I’ll miss her very much, but she has been nice to let me stay.

I like Maggie. She is very different, like a little boy sometimes, and very thin. And she always wears this black PVC corset, which doesn’t make sense as she has nothing that needs holding in or pushing up. Her boyfriend is very cute, he is at the club a lot too.

I’m in the middle of packing again. And it took me so long to set this blog up that its already really late and I feel too tired to think. But I think I’ll keep writing. Maggie said I can go to the University campus and use her log-in at the mega-labs if I want to use the internet.

Today’s Secret: I sometimes say things just cos I don’t like that person in silence.

Getting Started

I have to find a place to live. I have three days. And I just got fired from my second job.

I’ve been staying with Emelie for almost a month now. It’s so weird, her family is so out there. Her dad is either working or pissed. Her mum tries to keep it all together, but I bet she cries into her pillow at night. Emelie hasn’t changed at all since school. And in this case, three years later, that isn’t such a good thing. I don’t really have much to talk to her about anymore.

Ever since I got the job at the club, I feel like things were falling into place. Like it wasn’t so bad getting expelled and fighting with my parents. Maybe, if I can fix my life all by myself, they’ll all see that they were wrong. But now Emelie’s brother is coming back and I’ve got to move out.

All I’ve got now is the club, and even though I love love love being there, I need to make more money. Tonight I’ll ask Maggie if she knows anyone who’s looking for a housemate. She is a student at the university so she probably knows lots of people. Seems like she knows everybody at the club anyway.

This blog is not about anything, not really. This blog is just gonna my diary for the time being. I dont think it will be interesting for anyone else to read, and anyway, I’m not using my real name because I don’t want to have to censor myself.

Todays Secret: I asked for the Saturday night shift at work just so I could get out of going to IKON with Emilie.